Running low on words
Running low on thoughts
Thank God

Running low on guilt
Running low on fear

Why did everyone tell me that I had to bury these things
That never worked at all

As the depression dug deeper
The more I would fall

I would dig another hole
Only now I have poisoned the well water

I drink the story that I buried every day
Each and every sip
The only thing we cannot escape
Is the sun in the morning

Running low on love
So I will give out some more

Running low on money
Shhh
Do not talk
“You are alive” they say
“Go be a sweeper for the Big Steam Machiner
Go be a server for the Local Six 1 Six Convertors
You should sell pamphlets door to door on why more people should own more computers”

Yes. Hmm?

Wait a minute.

I do not think so.
No. However,
Thanks for the offers but I am quite content enjoying my mind at rest

 

I woke up at age 30

And for the first time ever

I smiled

 

I can’t believe this is how most people feel on an average day

This is why people smile

This is why most love life

I am beginning to understand

There is nothing more to figure out

 

Love

Love everything

Love everyone

Do not deny it

Love

Was the answer that I read 100 million pages to get to

Love

Bring it back to love every single time your mind starts to run away

 

We are going to get through this

We are going to be okay.

I passed some tests
I skipped some tests
And I am afraid instead of a diploma I was given a red tag and my 20’s in a brain prison
I was on a mission
I was not mad at the world
I was irate that everyone projected their ideas on how I was (really?) feeling
They knew me better than me according to their certification
But I know for a fact that none of these professionals had a degree in Listening
Compassion? No.
Understanding? No.

 

Only

A degree in Staring

Taking notes

Kickbacks

And criticism

Any way
To make a long story short I resisted them
And I will tell you only once
Keep your mouth shut and just go through with it until you can learn to be calm
Cool
And patient again

Because all I can remember is getting held down
Strapped in
Needle into my skin
The Dr. Pushes in
Out cold
Goodbye soul
I am now heading to 3 years of deaf, dumb, and an infinitely painful and itching numbness

My roommate’s Doctor’s name was Loveless.
Our hospital never even called him
Physical problems pushed to the side

 

“This patient is loud

They are complaining

I cannot take this stress.”

The On-call says
Overworked and underpaid

No one ever even blames them

Most of us feel worse upon discharge and our families will even praise them
They couldn’t fix us

 

But damn they sure tamed us.

 

 

I do not have the capacity for small talk
I pry myself out of bed each morning
I try to eat some natural cereal
Almond milk
A piece of fruit
Vitamin
Probiotic
Prebiotic
No wait wrong order
Prebiotic
Probiotic
Calcium
Vitamin A B C D E K G Q Chi
FOLIC ACID!
Because as we all know
Our stomach feeds our brain

Or you can reverse that last line
It is all the same

It is alllllll the same

We are going to be okay

Regardless of it all

Hope

I better start to pray

Faith?

I will try anything if I can start to feel better today
I am going to be okay
Now it is between 10 and 11am
Time to either meditate or walk
Shhh
Trust me
Don’t talk

Keep this up and your mind will quiet down
There will be no need for a hospital anymore

Do not rush you words
Tell the psychosis to go back to hell
It is not welcome here on Earth anymore

Stop writing about what is going on
And start to get down what you want to do tomorrow

Be the light
People will come back to you when their life starts to get to dark

Be the one
Because no one can live your life for you
Forget the news
Forget reality TV
Forget the funny papers

Comedy?

We wonder why the world gets so upset

A book I read

But sarcasm is only understood in the English language

When did people start smiling over tragedy?
My answer to other languages is please don’t lose your internal locus of control over me

 

None of us should have the right to judge anyone else

Either way.

Well that is not completely true
I’m sure they’ll hold it to me anyway
You see what I mean?

I am not saying do not be you
Yes definitely make sure the words that come out are the ones that you
REALLY
TRULY
Meant to say

It will be hard at first but in a few months time you will be reconnecting
Making sense
Maybe even enjoying life
You will be the realest one that anyone has ever known including yourself.

Just be patient
Practice peace
Patience

Let it soak in real deep

Yes patience

Yesss

Patience
And listening

I will treat and speak to others exactly how I need them to be in a perfect world

So now it is lunch time

What shall I indulge in?

 

Lettuce

Lettuce can’t feel right?

 

I am not causing any damage to myself or the Universe by eating lettuce right?

I have no problem not eating pigs or red meat

If I was all alone on an island with a cow and a frog

I wouldn’t eat either.

Just fish and coconuts from here on

 

Am I serious?

You better believe it

 

Because I know if I God forbid kill one too many chickens

My conscience will come back returning karma for any leftover meat in my kitchen

 

I will be a vegetarian

As long as I can sneak the occasional fish or egg in

 

Good then

I am glad we came to an agreement

 

Afternoon

Onto the coffee place

Everyone is chillen

I am far far away from the rat race

 

I will take one Kyoto

Preferably Columbian or Ethiopian

Gotta get my beans in

I do not mess with animals

So I have to get my beans in

 

Makes for an amazing coffee-house conversation

 

I finish writing about things

Staring out the window

Talking to my friend

Or writing about how I am sitting looking out the window contemplating reading

Radiohead plays through the speaker

The sounds are beautiful

I think about the days when I could see them

And I am rather thankful that those days are over

And now I can just enjoy a song for being a song again

Remember to thank the Universe

Because every breath and this life

Is amazing

 

Head home

Caught in traffic

Everyone that just left work

Is sweating

Red

Hot

Honking

Screaming

Yelling

And this is heading home

Going to see their wife and kids

They have never felt so alone

 

Give me back my locus of control

They are not my problem

I let it go

 

My mind wanders back into my car

Sometimes I feel alone but I finally enjoy myself

So my company is always good

You know?

 

Pull up

Find a spot

I made it home

Another day down

With each day I feel younger

Healthier

More at peace

More loved

One with my body

One with my soul

 

I quit smoking and drinking and anything else that some use to crawl into a hole

I did this a couple of years ago

I am right here

I am present in every moment

I am the most loyal one I know

 

But I am the only one at my home

 

It took me over 3 years to figure out me

And figure out how to stay myself

How to love myself

How to be real as anything

How to be calm

Cool

Happy

How to sleep at night

And how to delete all of the

“What would they think?’s”

And “You’s”

 

Open the bottle

Melatonin

Open the bottle

Seroquel

Glass of water

Down we go

 

Take out my Eucalyptus oil

Sometimes Lavender

Or frankincense

I think it is 1 drop for every 5 millilitres of water

I do know that with essential oils a little too much can’t harm us
Put on my diffuser

Get about 10 hours rest

So the following day

I can still be calm and cool

Maybe even make some sense

And become friends with someone just like you

 

This is how I spend my time after years of not being myself

Feeling sick

Giving up

Hurting myself

Living underneath a pile of mass confusion

 

I would wake up each morning and step back in time

However we cannot live like this

People like us need sleep

We need to breathe

We need to do things that keep us far and free from stress and guilt

We need spend each day refilling ourselves with ease and love

I will never again think about the day before or worry about tomorrow

 

I will build on yesterday

I will be here fully today

I will erase my concerns and write about my hopes and dreams for the future

Nothing can stop us

 

These are the things that helped me out of the hole and helped me through

These are the things that I needed to do

Each and every last one of us is still here for a reason

We are all here

You deserve to be happy

You deserve stillness in your mind

Your poor heart

You deserve love too

 

August 2016

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