The Odds Are In Your Favor

The Odds Are In Your Favor

The odds are in my favor

The odds are in our favor

About .0014% of people publish their book in a given year.

I am in good company.

Thank you God for these odds.
Thank you God for this strength.
Thank you resilience
Persistence
Relentless awareness
My heart
My hand
My gut
My mind
My senses
My perception
My conscience
Intuition
The change of season
Especially Autumn and Spring
My will
My faith
My love
My mistakes
My losses
My gains
My angst
My anxiety
My ability to step back
Breathe
And refrain

Thank you paper.
Thank you earth.
Thank you ink.
Thank you pen.
Thank you tree.
Thank you inspiration.
Thank you readers.
Thank you to all of the writers, poets, philosophers, scientists, romantics, and thinkers that came before me.
Thank you Universe for my passion, strength, and abilities.
Thank you to everyone that I have ever met in my life.
I have a little piece of all of you in me.

Now set me free

Dear Dear Dear Universe

I am ready

Set me free

 

Wait
That’s right
How could I forget

My freedom was always here

It was patiently waiting
Deep deep down inside of me

I am free

19 February 2017

Dear Carrie

Dear Carrie

Dear Carrie,
I had been meaning to write this letter to you
I saw a beautiful soul talking about bipolar
I think it was on the tele-radio something whatever
She looked a little familiar
But I never really cared what show, movie, band, or program the famous people came from
I just see a person that gets used over and over
Paid a ton to be abused
Forced to hide and lock their self up in a room
Until they get called that they need to take a limo over to the next viewing
Cameras flash
Stories fly
They come in droves
Quickly the copywriters lie
The stories fade
On the internet they finally come to die
And I wonder how anyone can do it?
And I wonder why the tabloids, media, and paparazzi have no heart
Little minds
Lack of conscience
False intuition
Dirty Money
Wasted time
Hmm…
Someone else is really never my interest
Never my concern
Never my business
Every time someone sings entertainment news to me

I
Always
Ask
“Why?”

I
Always
Ask
“Why?”

I hope that with all of my heart, body, and mind that you can finally feel the peace that I have been trying to send you
You deserve this feeling
At least for a second
It is not fair that those of us that live with this dis-ease never get to feel any of this
While the rest of the world steals love and they are drowning in it
Flaunting it
Hating it
Complaining about it
And constantly throwing it in our faces
And wondering why we don’t join them
They keep blaming us
I am so tired

I am
So
Tired.

I cannot believe you were one of the first ones to open up
I cannot thank you enough
I feel a little less shame
A little less blamed
A little less alone
A little less hated
I wish that I could write a letter to everyone in the world and try to send them the love that they deserve
However everyone says that that is my weakness

I care too much

And in 2016…

This is a weakness
But if you ask me it is a hell of a lot better than not caring at all
What the…?
A little nurture
A little comfort
I guess I’ll write it down on a vision board
Until someone finds the rest of the world a cure
And I will stay right here
I will be patiently waiting for it

So now is the part where I try to turn it all around
As if something good has come of this
I pray that tomorrow they are not dancing in the streets with light sticks
Reciting lines
Or buying tickets
Rather praising you for being an American girl
Heart on her sleeve
At one time she owned the world
And right now you are the queen of all the people just like you and me
You are our hero
You are our Universe
We all share that common strand of DNA that is embedded deep into our souls

I take comfort in knowing that you are now okay with everything and that maybe now everyone can get through this wall that was built around people like you and I
You took down that wall
Now all we have to do
Is walk through it

Yes.

Think about this.

Now all we have to do is walk through it.

I hope you feel accepted
I hope you forgive yourself
I pray that you feel free
I pray that you are okay with you

You have always been enough for me.
You have always been enough for those of us that understand what you went through
Please keep guiding us
And know that we are all supporting you
God speed kid
Continue to lead us
And we will continue to thrive

Your fire
Your spirit
It has never been more alive

Dear Carrie,
I had been meaning to write this letter to you
Because of your strength and courage
Our fight will be over soon

28 December 2016
Joseph S. Fusaro

A New Holiday Season

A New Holiday Season

The weights kept piling up from 2001 until 2011. It started with depression. Depression gave way to fear and confusion. The abundance of failures caused a self-imposed isolation. Isolation led to addiction. Addiction led to insomnia. Insomnia led to mania and psychosis. Mania and psychosis led to frequent hospitalizations. Hospitalizations led to more and more medications. More medications led to agonizing side effects and deeper depression.

Now that it is all on paper I can finally see and understand why the holidays have always been a hard time for me. When I think back to when I was a kid I had always loved the holidays. From the age of 9 I was the first person on the block with lights up. I would go on a long hike in the woods with a saw and burlap to cut down evergreen limbs so I could bring them back home and wire together a wreath in my garage. I would place a candle in every window and of course I would set up that old toy train set in the basement. You know, the one that worked all of about 3 times the whole month of December but amazingly it was always when you brought someone down to see it. I would spend the rest of the month down there trying out new track combinations, searching tirelessly through boxes of ornaments looking for that little tin container of liquid smoke so that I could really impress the family this year. I just wanted it to look real and just like my home town. I had a list of what I wanted to get everyone I knew before the first of December.

This is actually the first time I have sat down to ask myself. What happened? Why did I start hating the one time of year that I had felt completely free as a child? I am pretty sure it had a lot to do with the mass commercialization of everything. From toys to fashion everything took a turn in the late 1990’s. Toys and clothes were more expensive but were terrible quality. There was a lack of pride when it came to creating a product; and even less self-respect from the marketers that sold it. It was a time of glorifying numbers, shiny clothes, shiny cars, cheap music, and an overall loss of moral or value.

Sure, I fell right into it when this all started. I was at the club with my new car and my 2 penny $100 shirt. But this faded after a few months and then I was not only mad at society. I was furious with myself. How could I get fooled? I do not need all of these extravagant things. They meant nothing. I knew I was miserable. However, I thought if I accumulated enough stuff I could essentially buy back my happiness. This was not the case at all. I would spend the next 10 years running away from everything that upset me rather than facing it head on. It was a slow torturous form of self-destruction.

All I could think of was when I had run off to Los Angeles in the winter of 2008 and I did not know a soul. I was on the beach on a breezy 40 degree day having a cigarette when a girl around my age came up to me and asked me for a light. We got to talking and when she heard that I was new in town and had nowhere to go for Christmas she immediately asked me to come and spend it with her family. I seriously almost cried on the spot. I could not remember the last time someone had reached out to me and offered me something, especially expecting nothing in return. I will never be able to explain how dark a time this was, but how emotional I got. The feeling will stick with me forever.

In 2012 I finally decided to do something about how I felt. There were people out there that had it much worse than me and I needed to start using this time of year to help someone else. I went online and looked up where there were Toys for Tots drop boxes, because let’s be honest, organizations like that are the real Santa Claus. I emailed and called the local food bank to see what foods they needed and where they were collecting. I made it my mission to give whatever I could within my means to try and make a difference in someone’s life that may have nothing. Someone that, without your gift or your food donation may not eat or receive anything while trying to keep warm with others they may not even know in a homeless shelter or hospital.

All I can say is that I have been doing these things continuously since 2012 and every year has gotten better. My life feels like it has purpose. My relationships with friends and family have grown stronger. I feel better about myself and more in touch with reality. We need to break away from our attachment to all of this stuff that the TV keeps throwing at us. Just think about that thing you got last year that broke by New Years. Or what about the thing that you still have in the box? Please, give it up.

I hope that you have a great holiday season, and if you want a guaranteed method of improving your life, or everyone’s life for that matter, give a little bit to someone that needs it and you will start to feel the joy of the season with them. Peace & Love.

*****

Think Again

Think Again

I have to admit that I am about 2 weeks late on handing in this essay.  When Stigma Project contacted me I thought that surely it would not take me long to write up a short piece on stigma.  Then my brain started going.  You know, that old lump above my shoulders that sorts and sifts memories, stories, and ideas all day?  Apparently there were more memories to sort and sift than I originally thought.  It seems that mental illness is the “in  thing” as far as labeling someone.  It is the easiest way to hit someone below the belt.  If one happens to feel threatened, jealous, uneducated, scared, or weakened by another it is an easy cop-out to question their sanity instead of minding their own business.

Well, instead of telling a story about the many times I have been stigmatized, I am going to use my essay to turn the tables on those that label, judge, harass, stigmatize, and discriminate.  From now on when you hear a comment that questions your ability to think, that questions your ability to make sound choices, that questions your whole being, I challenge you to take a second to pause.  Keep your head up, take a deep breath, smile, and keep moving forward, because tonight your conscience will be clear.  You were not the one wasting your day, running around, calling people names, and undermining a kind, thoughtful, and caring person.  When you lay down to go to sleep tonight to do not pay any mind to the poor person from work, class, media, or entertainment that was spewing immaturity all over the place.  Remember, we are what we take in and we are what we give out.  Do not waste your thoughts on this hater, because a hater is only filled with hate.  And thank all that is good that you are not so filled with hate that hate is all that overflows out of your mouth twenty four hours a day every day.

Instead be thankful that today you learned how to keep your cool.  Today you learned that you are a good person.  You are a patient person.  You are a strong person.  And most of all, you are a wise person.  Do you think the one that stigmatizes and discriminates is able to say these things with a good conscience at the end of the day?  I doubt it, but because we are so wise I think we can have hope for them.   Shake the stigma off, because it is not your burden to bear, it is theirs.  Sending all of my love and support to you…

Sincerely,

Joseph S. Fusaro

Believe In Me (I Believe In You)

Believe In Me (I Believe In You)

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I have so much time left.

I deserve joy right now.

 

I deserve to feel peace, ease, and a little bit of humble pride right now.

 

I deserve every blessing that I have been given or I would have never received it

It is a part of something Divine.

I am grateful.

I am compassion and understanding combined.

I will continue to regive this.

 

Pass what I have learned on to someone that needs it.

I believe in me.

I believe in my story.

I believe in my abilities.

I believe in my writing.

I believe in everything I do.

I believe that I am helping hundreds of millions of people.

I will refuse to stop until the number is in the billions.

 

I believe in my attitude towards life.

I believe in my relationships with people.

I believe in my leadership.

I believe in my talents.

I believe in my passion.

I believe in my voice.

I believe in humanity.

I believe in everything that is Good in this world.

I believe in all that is based on hope

Faith

And truth

 
I believe.

I believe.

I believe.

 
More than anything

I believe that you can do anything that you put your mind to.

 
Yes

I promise

I will always believe in you.

 
28 October 2016

Fall to Pieces & I Will Pick You Up

Fall to Pieces & I Will Pick You Up

Will somebody please hand me the key
To unleash the peace inside of me

We can turn our head toward the sun
Breathe in
Daydream of Summer nights
Spring everything
Autumn air
A light winter snow
Until the confusion is done
The sarcasm and cover ups are over

They always ask
Who created time?
The only burden in my life

I would love to hear them sing a song of real and unconditional love
I think it was an underground avant garde jazz piece that came out in 1951

It didn’t need lyrics

The muffled horn section and off beat was enough to say it all
Your starry eyes watch from above

And if I try to tune to you
Could we stay in sync
It is a little early I’d rather not drink

It is harmony we need

I’d rather not think
I’d rather not
Do anything

And if I fall to pieces
Free falling
We finally realize that being head over heals in lust is the same as
Tumbling down a mountain
Bills pile up
Prices rise
Unemployment soars
Stocks crash
Commercials about alcohol and Rx’s
Late night infomercials about rehab
Buying books
And finding purpose
Have taken over all the ads
Why did I stay up all night every night
I should have ceased feeding into anything that threw me off
Or got me mad
27 years without a dream
I lost every friend I ever had
It happened so fast

I never had a free second to feel sad

To be Sad

Every second is the only thing I was counting
Adding
Multiplying
Calculating all that when answered according to formulas and math
Is even more confusing

So I open the newspaper
It finally reads
Every creed has the same creator

——————-

We now interrupt the first good thought you have had

Breaking story
It is all about one day that happened 15 years ago
And how nobody had ever felt so loved except all the one’s that lost a piece of their home
Their existence
Their childhood
Their partner
Their best friend

Their rock
Their soul

I stop here for a moment of

 

*

 

Sometime’s when I write I get a little choked up

I still haven’t found anyone in the real world yet that allows me to be emotional

 

*

Because I feel for you
And your family

I seriously love you
I pray for you
I love you all

A divided society quickly turned into 6 months of the most Caring
Loving
Thoughtful
Giving place anyone that the history of mankind had ever known
Where did it go?

There is a difference between learning and moving on

Versus covering the memory up and steam rolling forward

The heart
The wisdom
The soul

Where did it all go?

It felt like less than a year after September 2001
Compassion disintegrated with the money that was lost
Maybe for the richest
But not here on the ground
The frontline
The working man
All the brave that ran straight into a war of unknowns
The honest people still had to fight harder as they carried these weights to school or their job

Or just try to pry themselves out of bed every morning
Then had to bury their cries deep inside their hearts before they got home
We were overflowing
We were exhausted
We were lost
We needed help

I put this all on myself

But I needed someone

Anyone
Where did all the support go?

Where did it go?
I keep my mouth closed but I think
The rest of us are sick of it

My wrists will no longer take the brunt of it

Cut me from these lines
Shock news about ignorance used to ignite my mind

No doubt that you will forget to call

Write back to my note

On the side

They may even be laughing at this post

Even though I could not directly hear the complaints

I could feel them all

Oneness

I stay grounded

And connected

There were so many

“I told you so’s”

“You’ll never get it’s”

“Look at how he’s lost it’s”

Coming my way that and army of Angels could not deflect them all

Then they put me away

Alone.

For etching reminders on my arm and wall

*

But we did not fall

We did not fall

*

And when I come crawling back to you
Would you be my wave
Feet on the ground but you knock me down again
And again
And again

And if I fall to pieces
Do not sweep me up

Spread me out for the world to see
The sun reflects the infinite love off of me
I think something Eternal and Sacred wants us all to choose to be forgiving

Understanding

And free

You and I
We will use the past as a bridge
We will use the past as our lesson
We will use the hate
Lies
And
Corruption

As inspiration

*
We will save ourselves

No one can or will ever take this

We are only here
To be calm
Cool
Uplifting
Harmonious
And giving

“Giving?” They ask

Now everyone is listening.

Because sometimes we just want to feel like a kid again

And if you fall to pieces

I will do anything
I will do everything
To pick you up again

I will do everything I need to do
To pick you up again

Sincerely,

Joe

Destination; Life

Destination; Life

Everyone is happy.
Everyone is healthy.
Everyone is safe.
Everyone is grateful.
Everyone is in love.

Every so often I need to take a moment to sit down
Breathe in
Look around
Feel the air
It is so light
Leaves in the wind 100 feet above the river
The only sound
The only sight

Every single one of my cells smile

All at once
They all calm down

Every tree
Every flower
Every blade of grass gives out life

I read somewhere that every single person in this world has as many Angels as there are grains of rice
It is up to you if you believe it
However the older I get
The less I think twice

Every single second I feel ease
I feel harmony

This life is alright

In fact
I take that back
It is pretty nice

Oxygen
The addiction
Respiration
My only vice

Destination; Life
I am on the next flight

I am grateful for this minute
I am grateful for each day even if it has not come yet or it is hiding deep in the past

I appreciate everyone that I have ever known
I love them all
I am inspired by them all
Even if things did not end well
I learned more from each person than I ever did in any class

Take your time
There is nowhere to be except here

We will get to see everything we want to see
There is no need to feel anxious or go fast

Today I decided that I will only write beginnings
Even when it feels like the end

I breathe in
I release

And again
And again
And again…

There is no line
The tickets are free

Destination; Life

Won’t you please accompany me?

 

 

2 September 2016