So Alone (Won’t Last)

So Alone (Won’t Last)

But deep down inside
I am so alone
I am so alone
I have nothing
I have no one
I am so alone
I am so alone
I am so alone

Right now this ends

I put up a good front but
I am so alone
I am so alone
I worked so hard
And received not one comment
Or even a sarcastic remark
I am so alone
I am so alone
And I feel like no one even knows

I am so alone
I am so alone
Another Holiday has come
It is gone
I am so alone
I am so alone
But my complaints are heard by no one

Forget this poem
I digress

I am so alone
I am so alone
I spent the last 3 years living for you
I believe in my dreams more and more every day
But I am losing patience and hope that they will come true
I am so alone
I am so alone
I am so alone
I am so alone

This will not last

I am so alone
I am so alone
Another letter to myself
I have my family
My friends
Some work on the way
I can keep my cool
I have a leveled head
I have enough to eat
And to get around
No home
No love
Not one thing do I own
Just another song
Another book
About being alone
I am so alone
I am so alone
I am so alone
I am so alone

I am so alone
But not like 2008
I had no one
I was on a substance that made my body feel great but obliterated the rest
Walking the beach in the rain just looking for a light
Maybe a friend
I was cold
I had no blanket
Always smoking my last cigarette
I wore all of my t shirts to bed
I was so alone
I was so alone
I was so alone
I was so alone

I wish I could paint the picture
But no one sells a black canvas
I was so alone
I was so alone
Another cup of tea
And rest my head

2016
I have places to be
I have a few goals that I reached
A few goals that I have surpassed
I have momentum into the unknown
And I am happy as
Well happy is good enough I guess
Until I find some love
Maybe a little respect
As the richest keep pointing at me and say
You’ll get ahead in time with patience
Or
Until people like me are thought of as having an edge
I’ll still feel so alone
I’m so alone
The difference now
The difference is
At least now I know that this being alone won’t last

20 December 2016

A New Holiday Season

A New Holiday Season

The weights kept piling up from 2001 until 2011. It started with depression. Depression gave way to fear and confusion. The abundance of failures caused a self-imposed isolation. Isolation led to addiction. Addiction led to insomnia. Insomnia led to mania and psychosis. Mania and psychosis led to frequent hospitalizations. Hospitalizations led to more and more medications. More medications led to agonizing side effects and deeper depression.

Now that it is all on paper I can finally see and understand why the holidays have always been a hard time for me. When I think back to when I was a kid I had always loved the holidays. From the age of 9 I was the first person on the block with lights up. I would go on a long hike in the woods with a saw and burlap to cut down evergreen limbs so I could bring them back home and wire together a wreath in my garage. I would place a candle in every window and of course I would set up that old toy train set in the basement. You know, the one that worked all of about 3 times the whole month of December but amazingly it was always when you brought someone down to see it. I would spend the rest of the month down there trying out new track combinations, searching tirelessly through boxes of ornaments looking for that little tin container of liquid smoke so that I could really impress the family this year. I just wanted it to look real and just like my home town. I had a list of what I wanted to get everyone I knew before the first of December.

This is actually the first time I have sat down to ask myself. What happened? Why did I start hating the one time of year that I had felt completely free as a child? I am pretty sure it had a lot to do with the mass commercialization of everything. From toys to fashion everything took a turn in the late 1990’s. Toys and clothes were more expensive but were terrible quality. There was a lack of pride when it came to creating a product; and even less self-respect from the marketers that sold it. It was a time of glorifying numbers, shiny clothes, shiny cars, cheap music, and an overall loss of moral or value.

Sure, I fell right into it when this all started. I was at the club with my new car and my 2 penny $100 shirt. But this faded after a few months and then I was not only mad at society. I was furious with myself. How could I get fooled? I do not need all of these extravagant things. They meant nothing. I knew I was miserable. However, I thought if I accumulated enough stuff I could essentially buy back my happiness. This was not the case at all. I would spend the next 10 years running away from everything that upset me rather than facing it head on. It was a slow torturous form of self-destruction.

All I could think of was when I had run off to Los Angeles in the winter of 2008 and I did not know a soul. I was on the beach on a breezy 40 degree day having a cigarette when a girl around my age came up to me and asked me for a light. We got to talking and when she heard that I was new in town and had nowhere to go for Christmas she immediately asked me to come and spend it with her family. I seriously almost cried on the spot. I could not remember the last time someone had reached out to me and offered me something, especially expecting nothing in return. I will never be able to explain how dark a time this was, but how emotional I got. The feeling will stick with me forever.

In 2012 I finally decided to do something about how I felt. There were people out there that had it much worse than me and I needed to start using this time of year to help someone else. I went online and looked up where there were Toys for Tots drop boxes, because let’s be honest, organizations like that are the real Santa Claus. I emailed and called the local food bank to see what foods they needed and where they were collecting. I made it my mission to give whatever I could within my means to try and make a difference in someone’s life that may have nothing. Someone that, without your gift or your food donation may not eat or receive anything while trying to keep warm with others they may not even know in a homeless shelter or hospital.

All I can say is that I have been doing these things continuously since 2012 and every year has gotten better. My life feels like it has purpose. My relationships with friends and family have grown stronger. I feel better about myself and more in touch with reality. We need to break away from our attachment to all of this stuff that the TV keeps throwing at us. Just think about that thing you got last year that broke by New Years. Or what about the thing that you still have in the box? Please, give it up.

I hope that you have a great holiday season, and if you want a guaranteed method of improving your life, or everyone’s life for that matter, give a little bit to someone that needs it and you will start to feel the joy of the season with them. Peace & Love.

*****

3rd Person Omniscient

3rd Person Omniscient

I have learned to see every situation from afar
With this new view I do not judge
Although every choice that I make still comes from how I would feel deep inside
I do not take anything to heart
I will no longer waste my time and energy picking every word everyone else says apart

We need less “genius” ideas
We need less mess

Less hypothesis’ & theory about truth
We need less news
We need less talking
Less thinking

No more carrots on a string

Hanging off a stick

Connected to a fool.

The horse is not amused.

Less about this person’s opinion on that person’s research that was paid for by a company owned by the owners of the product that cut their work force by 60% in order to make the CEO 6000% on stocks on a product that we can not even use.

Because it is the most intelligent piece of garbage ever produced.

Bless you. 🙂

It was outdated when I took it out of the package.

It always confused me that
Everyone just gets mad and figures out a way to get through it.

I’d like to scan every credit card I have ever had
Figure out which products stopped working

Send them all back
I am sending them all back

However I decided to write this love letter to you
Yes you
(Everything from the stock ticker through computers)
It is a love letter about the truth
I wrote it for you

I have learned to see every situation from afar
With this new view I do not judge
Although every choice that I make still comes from how I would feel deep inside
I do not take anything to heart
I will no longer waste my time and energy picking every word everyone else says apart
Someone needed to draw the line
I am simply able to see every product as something that is helping society, hurting society, or just a complete waste of time.

Dear Old School Commercialization
&
All that is sublime

This is a love letter from your heart to your mind

Won’t you be mine?

Sincerely,
Wasted Time
Joseph S. Fusaro. 7 November 2016.

Think Again

Think Again

I have to admit that I am about 2 weeks late on handing in this essay.  When Stigma Project contacted me I thought that surely it would not take me long to write up a short piece on stigma.  Then my brain started going.  You know, that old lump above my shoulders that sorts and sifts memories, stories, and ideas all day?  Apparently there were more memories to sort and sift than I originally thought.  It seems that mental illness is the “in  thing” as far as labeling someone.  It is the easiest way to hit someone below the belt.  If one happens to feel threatened, jealous, uneducated, scared, or weakened by another it is an easy cop-out to question their sanity instead of minding their own business.

Well, instead of telling a story about the many times I have been stigmatized, I am going to use my essay to turn the tables on those that label, judge, harass, stigmatize, and discriminate.  From now on when you hear a comment that questions your ability to think, that questions your ability to make sound choices, that questions your whole being, I challenge you to take a second to pause.  Keep your head up, take a deep breath, smile, and keep moving forward, because tonight your conscience will be clear.  You were not the one wasting your day, running around, calling people names, and undermining a kind, thoughtful, and caring person.  When you lay down to go to sleep tonight to do not pay any mind to the poor person from work, class, media, or entertainment that was spewing immaturity all over the place.  Remember, we are what we take in and we are what we give out.  Do not waste your thoughts on this hater, because a hater is only filled with hate.  And thank all that is good that you are not so filled with hate that hate is all that overflows out of your mouth twenty four hours a day every day.

Instead be thankful that today you learned how to keep your cool.  Today you learned that you are a good person.  You are a patient person.  You are a strong person.  And most of all, you are a wise person.  Do you think the one that stigmatizes and discriminates is able to say these things with a good conscience at the end of the day?  I doubt it, but because we are so wise I think we can have hope for them.   Shake the stigma off, because it is not your burden to bear, it is theirs.  Sending all of my love and support to you…

Sincerely,

Joseph S. Fusaro

Believe In Me (I Believe In You)

Believe In Me (I Believe In You)

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I have so much time left.

I deserve joy right now.

 

I deserve to feel peace, ease, and a little bit of humble pride right now.

 

I deserve every blessing that I have been given or I would have never received it

It is a part of something Divine.

I am grateful.

I am compassion and understanding combined.

I will continue to regive this.

 

Pass what I have learned on to someone that needs it.

I believe in me.

I believe in my story.

I believe in my abilities.

I believe in my writing.

I believe in everything I do.

I believe that I am helping hundreds of millions of people.

I will refuse to stop until the number is in the billions.

 

I believe in my attitude towards life.

I believe in my relationships with people.

I believe in my leadership.

I believe in my talents.

I believe in my passion.

I believe in my voice.

I believe in humanity.

I believe in everything that is Good in this world.

I believe in all that is based on hope

Faith

And truth

 
I believe.

I believe.

I believe.

 
More than anything

I believe that you can do anything that you put your mind to.

 
Yes

I promise

I will always believe in you.

 
28 October 2016

Affirmations to Dissolve Depression

Affirmations to Dissolve Depression

My aura is uplifting.
My cells are uplifted.
My DNA uplifts me.
I keep focused
I am motivated
Nature lives just to heal me

Life is not a mystery
It is a path
I walk along
I may fall
But I jump right up
Brush myself off
Smile

I move on.

I never let 1 day break me
It is one fraction of the love that fulfills the bulk of my story
My heart is full
My surroundings feel okay but I feel like sometimes they will never fully understand me

I wake every day
Thank you to all that is Good in this world
It is you that has saved me
Your smile
Your prayer
Your letter in the mail

You have saved me
Because of you I decided that maybe I should save me

You believed in me when nobody else would take me

I have nothing physical to give you except that I am the most loyal person you will ever know

Maybe I can try to be there a little more
It is hard
But I am trying

Yes I know.

I do not forget a friend
I will keep this open
Even if we do not speak for 10
20 years
Or what may feel like eternity

If you come crawling up my yard at age 75 without a dollar
A home
A love of your own

I promise to let you in
Get you dressed
A warm meal
A cup of tea
And we can find a way to refill all of the direction you lost
All the plans you gave up on
We can tether you back to hope

No one deserves to be alone

Love everyone
Love yourself
You will not feel alone

If you need to talk
If you need a hand
If you need anything
If you ever need anything

It is the year Two Thousand and Sixteen
&
There are infinite ways to get through to my phone

21 October 2016

One Harvest Moon Thought

One Harvest Moon Thought

We can not find perfection

We already are perfection
Living on a perfect planet
Starting over rejuvenated
After we come to peace with every ending

I sit here tranquil
Sun sets
Summer ends
Harvest Moon rises
My new best friend

The leaves will brighten
And that memory takes the place of the fact that everything in front of us is fading

But the beauty
The love
It will all come around again
It always comes back again

We are never looking for perfection
We just love it as it is

Our emotions and feelings are just sensors for detecting affection

Every day is either amazing or a lesson

We won’t ever have to research the Universe again

Close the book
Put it back on the shelf
Go outside tonight
Look up

Take comfort in knowing
We only need to find ourselves